And when there’s nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain’t changing me
The gold-hearted boy I used to be
It’s, not, where you are, It’s where you’re going,
Where are you going?
And it’s, not, about the things you’ve done, it’s what you’re doing, now,
What are you doing, now?
A meeting with my counselor, and a realization of thoughts. I am handling this better than I have ever handled a tough time in my life before; there have been bad points when I’ve felt terrible, but I haven’t lashed out towards others or myself. I have been able to keep a level head and I have been able to go to classes, not let my drinking get out of control, and I have been socializing. I am so much stronger emotionally now that I have ever been before.
If this would have happened two years ago, I would not have been able to handle it, and it would have driven out of my classes and into a world of hell; in fact it did just that. I am now in control of everything in my life, and that feels great. This sucks, it hurts, but I have the strength to get through it. I’m still alive, and thriving, at a wonderful university filled with wonderful people. My thoughts will remain positive, and I will get through this, with or without my girlfriend.
Even though I still have demons to face and mountains to climb I know I will get through it and navigate this pass.
Then suddenly everything was just like jazz: it happened in one insane second or so: I looked up and saw Japhy running down the mountain in huge twenty-foot leaps, running, leaping, landing with a great drive of his booted heels, bouncing five feet or so, running, then taking another long crazy yelling yodelaying sail down the sides of the world and in that flash I realized it’s impossible to fall off mountains you fool and with a yodel of my own I suddenly got up and began running down the mountain after him doing exactly the same huge leaps, the same fantastic runs and jumps, and in the space of about five minutes I’d guess Japhy Ryder and I … leaping and yelling like mountain goats or I’d say like Chinese lunatics of a thousand years ago… . In fact with one of my greatest leaps and loudest screams of joy I came flying right down to the edge of the lake and dug my sneakered heels into the mud and just fell sitting there, glad. Japhy was already taking his shoes off and pouring sand and pebbles out. It was great. I took off my sneakers and poured out a couple of buckets of lava dust and said “Ah Japhy you taught me the final lesson of them all, you can’t fall off a mountain.”
Watch my back so I’ll make sure
You’re right behind me as before
Yesterday the night before tomorrow
“If you love something, Set it free… If it comes back, it’s yours, If it doesn’t, it never was yours”
I came to the realization last night that the only thing to make this better is to completely let her go. To see if not talking to me makes her realize what it would mean for me to be absent in her life. This scares the crap out of me. I feel as if I am nothing but a detriment and her not talking to me will only make her realize how easy it will be to move on; how easy it is not talking to me, how bad I am for her. I don’t know if she feels the same way, but the moments I felt totally connected and in love with her were conversations. Late night conversations outside my parents house in her car or outside a train station or outside an office the night I got the letter saying I failed out of college. I have never connected with a human being quite like I have with her. It wasn’t in the bedroom or doing cute things or when she would hold me when I was at my worst, it was talking about aliens before I left for 2 months. It was talking about the universe and stars and stardust and what life is and what life means. I’m afraid I’ll never find another person who will talk to me about all this stuff and make me feel on the same level intellectually and emotionally.
The ability to connect with a person through words has always been one of my favorite parts about life. This fact that I can’t text her or call her or anything makes me so anxious with the feeling of how it might be in a month when she makes her decision of what she’s going to do. I want to text her that a kid in my physics lab is an immature tool, that I actually managed to wake up after getting maybe 3 hours of sleep, an accomplishment believe me. I don’t know how to separate myself from her. Even through all the crap, and break ups we always talked, maybe that’s why we never moved on, which is why when I don’t want her to move on it’s so hard not to talk.
I was thinking about why this bothers me so much, why I can’t sleep at all, and the truth is it’s not the “I’ll never find another” attitude. The thought that popped into my head was “everyone always leaves.” This girl is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I couldn’t hold on, she saved my life on multiple occasions, and I still couldn’t get out of my own way and ruined it. I feel abandoned by my father, my best friend in elementary school(stupid but true), and myself. I know I’ll find another person if we part ways, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to preserve that friendship either.
All I can do is move forward, practice not talking if that’s how this ends up, know that I’ll be OK without her love. It’s something I’ve become addicted to, in an unhealthy way. This is for the best, but it’s so freakin’ hard. Even right now I just want to tell her that I updated my blog so she’ll read it. Blah. Whatever.
I am a patient boy
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait
My time is like water down a drain
Everybody’s moving, moving, moving, moving
It has been a long time since I’ve made a blog post, and I’m going to try and do it at least once a week again. Over the summer I was accepted into a 4-year college, an accomplishment, and letter that I had been waiting 2 long, arduous years for. I didn’t know how I would feel, and it was a great moment for me, but what I felt was all too familiar: Nothing. A couple posts ago I talked about how all emotions had been dulled. This one was no different. I think it’s because I knew that getting in didn’t mean anything, and I would have to not only pass but excel in my classes. The summer passed and I was sitting in a worship (I worked at a church camp) that me and my fellow counselors had designed and a song “Broken Things” caused me to completely break down. I was sobbing my eyes out, I don’t know why; it was a stressful week but nothing out of the ordinary. It was the first time I felt something truly stir up in me emotionally in a long time.
Over this summer I convinced a girl that I have treated very poorly in my past to date me again. We had dated for 2 years 3 years ago, but over the last 2 years I had emotionally manipulated her into thinking that my failures were all her fault and that she was not adequate in my eyes. It was a terrible thing to do and a projection of how much I hated myself, I still regret it. The healing process from this was very hard, but empowering and relieving at the same time. I fought with all of my might, wrote songs, poems, carefully concocted sentences to show how much I really loved her. How much losing her scared me, and how much I wanted to show her I was not an asshole, that I was the same nice boy she met 5 years ago. It took a while, but she came around and we started dating in June. Things were rocky at first, there was an adjustment period where she seemed to be taking all of her frustrations of the past out on me. As I am as much of a fighter as a lover I fought and threw it back. I wasn’t quite in love with her and she wasn’t with me. Our summer ended and she left for her job in another city and I left for school about 4 hours away. Something about the time I had to sit and think about her made me fall so deeply back in love that I was head over heels doing anything for her again. It was awesome, except she didn’t really feel the same way. I knew the emotional damage that I caused would be very hard to fix and very hard to get over, but she wasn’t really putting forth the effort that it required. So time went on and she still wasn’t putting forth much effort for which I called her on, and she actually started to fix things and put in that effort. A week later, after I was finally starting to feel great, I got a text saying she needed space, there might be someone else, she needs a break to figure out what she wants.
I was floored. I still am. I really don’t know what to do or say or how to react. I know what I did was terrible, and I know that she never really felt connected, and I don’t want a broken relationship. I want her to love me as much as Turk and JD love each other(kind of a joke but not really). Our most recent relationship was not that. I don’t know if after this break we’ll be ok and she’ll figure out the same things that I did, I really have no idea. I think not knowing scares me the most, it could go one way or the other and I would have no idea right before and I don’t know how I’ll take it.
I recently started counseling with a psychologist, and the first appointment/meeting whatever went well. I know I need so much to be fixed about myself. I also nobody will be able to fill how much I need loved until I can love myself. My goals for the counseling are pretty much all coming back to that. I know that if I love myself, I’ll be able to move on because I’ll know that I’ll be able to find someone who will love me, maybe even more, than she has. I don’t know who or when but if she moves on I think I’ll be ok. I’m taking this break to improve myself in every way possible. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, and Mentally. I have started working out, started the process of quitting smoking, started meditating, and like I said counseling. From what people have told me I am a pretty amazing person, and I can’t wait to know that as a fact. I have gone through hell, faced demons, personal demons that tried to break my spirit, and come out the other side. My last demons are in my head dancing on my self-esteem, and mental well being. I’m going to conquer them, and when I do, I’m going to be a great person, who people will want to not only be around, but experience. I will love all, completely, vulnerability that won’t matter because I won’t be hurt because my greatest lover will be myself. Not in an arrogant, self centered way, but in a way that is about being 100% ok with who I am, where I’m going what I’m doing. I can not wait to come out of this a better person. With or without my girlfriend. I would much rather experience this personal golden age with her but if we can’t have a great relationship then it won’t be fun, it will just be annoying. I don’t want that. Hopefully she’ll realize everything that I am, a great lover, and an even better friend. I just hope that the damage that I caused is reversible and forgivable. I guess we shall see.
“Without any preparation, I exceed these expectations
Man, they wanna see me dead, but I gave them dedication
I’m yellin’ fuck em all, with a hundred exclamations
Cause I’m a be the man til my fucking expiration”
As the semester winds down and the stress of finals and papers being due it is easy for me to get overwhelmed, as I have in the past, and it is helpful to think out my accomplishments of this semester. I didn’t miss one class in two out of three of my classes, this is the first time I have not missed a single class session in any class. I missed one assignment, which is a career low as due dates have often escaped me in the past, but I did not allow that to happen this semester. For the first time I actually have a chance to get three A’s; even though I’m very smart, I have never been able to stay up on school work. This time I did it, I finally was able to buckle down push through the hardest days and just get the work done. My first A of the semester where I need to be perfect was a huge sigh of relief. The other two classes hang in the balance, and their pressures are still affecting me.
Started this before Finals week. Will finish after I am done.
What is this I’m feeling?
My thoughts are reeling
I’m comparing again
Like I’m the worst friend
I feel flawed like oedipus
I put up a fuss
Staring Glaring nostrils flaring
Why Can’t I be beautiful, and cool
Why do I always play the fool?
Self Esteem Lacking
Remember all my experiences
Remember all of my friends
“Comparisons are odious”
If I were the subject of a Greek tragedy, my tragic flaw would be jealousy. It would lead to me killing somebody over loving my wife and then she leaving me and then me killing myself, or something like that. The jealousy that has pervaded my life is because I still feel like a loser, like I have nothing and everybody else has something. I feel trapped in seventh grade me’s body: friendless, uncouth and lacking any social skills. As I am now equipped with an inferiority complex, I compare myself to everyone and anyone, always coming out the loser.
I recently told a friend of mine I was jealous of her friends because I thought they make her happier than I ever did. It is such a terrible feeling, and also such a stupid feeling. It is ingrained into our brains from the beginning of kindergarten that we are special and unique, and although this isn’t true to a certain extent, we all have our own experiences and through that we are all unique. The comparison to somebody else truly is odious — repulsive; extremely unpleasant because there is no point in comparing yourself to somebody who has had a different life, dna and brain. I will always fall short of some people, yet I would never compare myself to others who are worse off than me in some ways. Why do I compare myself to others who I see as being better than me? There are fifteen ways that I am perhaps better than them for every fifteen ways they are better than me. Everybody has a tragic flaw, and I just need to see that, then perhaps mine will disappear.
The Frustration of patience
The Hardship of maintenance
The Time it takes to wake every morning
As the reality of today starts forming
Intimidating facing it and Now I’m Bracing and My Heart is Racing
So In the bed I stay
As to say, today must wait
The Risks of arising to the morning light
Or staying in the safe covers so I don’t have to fight
But the day does not wait
The World will not stop
Arise I must and arise I will; the world is spinning as a top
Not a bad thing, the world should be my plaything
How to get there?
I know not.
We seem to use phrases and cliches to simplify what we try to convey to others in every day language, and one that I have been thinking about is “Hitting Rock Bottom.” Have I ever known this rock bottom? I thought it would be waking up in a hospital from binge drinking, or being driven to self-harm, or some other grandiose catastrophe that would be a “wake up call.” Yet as I think about the last 8 years of my life I have come across several “rock bottoms” at every level of the problems of depression. I woke up in somebody’s house because I was blacked out, yet this wasn’t when I realized I had a drinking problem, it was my friends talking about it. I failed an english class twice(!) yet it took me until I failed completely out of college to realize I had a problem with the way depression affected my schoolwork.
Yet this weekend spelled out to me a new sort of “rock bottom,” one far more sinister and serious than I have ever felt before. It was the realization that depression has plagued me for the majority of my life, and that I have been in such pain for so long, all emotions have been dulled. I no longer feel the deep sadness on a day to day basis, which is a good thing I suppose, but there is no longer any happiness. This realization of emotional numbness was extremely sobering. I feel as though the experiences in my life have eroded my energy and lust for life, and now I have become a shell to protect myself.
I have begun to relapse into old habits and ways of the depressed me, which is very hard because I have such a fragile core of emotionally stability that it affects every facet of my life. I missed a couple of assignments, thankfully nothing worth much credit, and drank to forget, drank to ignore the problems, which ultimately led to another blackout badge being added to the already crowded vest I wear.
The problem is how do I attack this depressive state, one that is a warped feeling of nothingness. I feel the totality of it all, and feel like I’m in Star Wars and the walls are closing in. No matter how far I run from toxic environments and relationships, how much I achieve, I will never escape my own mind. The realization that I have to change every single function and habit, from thinking to smoking to eating to drinking and everything that has been formed out of depression, is daunting and scary. This eradication of unhealthy habits and thoughts from my entire being isn’t even the only thing that must change for me to be happy. It’s also being able to have a strong emotionally stable core, and changing 10+ years of soured thoughts due to eternal sadness seems almost impossible. As I surrender to the fact that this is something I can’t do myself and is something I need a professional to help me through, I do not surrender any dignity or self-respect as I have in the past. Therapy has never been much help for me due to my embarrassment and hesitancy to open wounds of the past, yet these wounds need to be reopened to examine why I can’t seem to stay on track.
I imagine my future life, devoid of envy of those happier than me, no more empty feeling inside, I am hopeful, for once. The feeling of hopelessness is a cold bitch that has chewed me up and spit me out many times, as It caused me to torch relationships, and academic aspirations. This feeling is not here this time because I have a reason to look towards the horizon and to the future in a way that I never have before. I will make it. My life will improve. I will feel all the emotions I once did. I will be happy. I will love myself, and every single person I come in contact with.
“When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.”
From about seventh grade until around tenth I didn’t have many friends. I could count them on one hand, and the number of times I “hung out” with people was even less. It is a time in my life that I would never like to go back to, for the loneliness and bullying scarred me for life. Any reminder of that time seems to open up the wounds and can hurt like hell.
So now all I can do is learn how to be ok with being alone. This is not a very easy task because I don’t like a lot about myself, and I have to spend a lot of time with well, myself. Maybe that’s the answer to loneliness, being able to love yourself in all ways. Loving myself is the entire point of solving depression, yet I’m not sure how to love myself. At the end of the day I still can find some insecurity, some little part of me that I hate. So it’s a long hard arduous process of looking at myself in the mirror and being ok with every imperfection that I see. Being alone in my car and the poisonous thoughts and being able to block them out. It’s been hard but worth it to fight the loneliness, yet there are days that seem unbearable. For those days, it still can be a pain, but I do all I can to push through it.